Poems written by Akpos and his Wife to each other

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand
it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my
heart & I got Heart Attack.

AKPOS: God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
... He saw me in darkness, He created light.
He saw me without problems, He created YOU.

WIFE:.. Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are ..
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

AKPOS: The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you..?

WIFE: ...Roses are red; Violets are blue.
Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too...
Not in cage but laughing at YOU

WHO KILLED IT? The wife or the husband?

AKPOR'S AND THE DOCTOR

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you
have a brain tumor.
Mr. AKPORS: (jumps in joy) YES!!!!
Doctor: Did you get what
I just told you? Mr.
Akpors: Yes of course, do you
think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so
happy instead of being sad?
Mr. Akpors: It's a thing of joy to me cos everyone says i have nobrain but atleast now this proves that
I have a brain....
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The Wise Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from London asked the priest seating besides her
woman:father may i ask for a favour?
Priest::of course what may i do for you?
Woman: well, i bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother that is unopened and well over the customs limits and i am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me?............ Under your robes, perhaps?
Priest: i would love to help you dear but i must warn you, i will not lie.
Woman:with your honest face, father, no one will question you.
When they got to the customs official, she let the priest go ahead of her.
Customs officer: father, do you have anything to declare?
Priest:from the top of my heart down to my waist, i have nothing to declare.
Well the customs officer thought this answer to be strange.
Customs officer:and what do you have to declare from you waist down to the floor.
Priest:i have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date unused.
Customes officer:(roaring with laughter he said) go ahead father next.
And that too is wisdom.
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Akpos lost in a forrest

Akpos, and two of his friends (Obi and Orji) are lost in a forrest.

For weeks, the lived there, and one day they find a magic lamp.

They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie.

The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"

So Obi (Akpos' 1st friend) goes first, "I have been stuck here for too long, I miss my family and my wife and my life - I just want t...o go home." POOF, he is gone.

Then Orji makes his wish, "I think say na here I go die. I don taya for dis place oo!, Oga abeg, me too I won commot." and POOF, he is gone.

Then Akpos starts crying uncontrollably. "Eya. ei, chai oooooo eeeee ahhhh!!"

The genie asks, "What is the matter?"
Akpos replies, "I wish my friends were here."

 One night Akpos and his friends, Mr Ibu and Osuofia, escaped from prison

They kept on running and running and were getting very tired. Mr Ibu was behind and complaining that he couldn't run again, but eventually they saw a farm and climbed over the fence. They decided to hide in a store room (barn). When they got inside the store, they found three large seed/rice sacks and de...cided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the the polce inspector and his deputy came into the farm and saw the store. The inspector told his deputy to go up and check out the store to see if Akpos and his colleagues were there. Several police men surrounded the store room and the deputy kicked open the door. When he got in there the inspector asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three big sacks, Sir."

The inspector told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy said "Okay Sir" and kicked the first sack, where Osuofia was hiding and he shouted , "woof woof, grrrr", so the deputy shouted "Oga na dog!".

Then he kicked the sack with Mr Ibu in it. He went, "Meow", so the deputy told the inspector "Oga na Pussu wey dey am. Na cat, Sir".

Then he kicked the one with the Akpos in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally Akpos shouted, "Yam Yam Yam!

HUNGRY AKPOS

 HUNGRY AKPOS was going along the street.

He got to a place and saw a sign board with the inscription "Eat as much as you can here, your grandson will pay".

... HE went in and confirmed from the receptionist who confirmed the statement. The hungry man now ordered for series of food with assorted meat, fish, turkey and others. He ate and ordered for drinks in excess.

He drank excessively. As he was preparing to go, the steward called him and gave him a bill of 2,000 Naira.
AKPOS was annoyed and asked "what the hell is going on here? What is this?" (So so big big grammar)

The steward answered "it is the bill of your fore-father which you must pay so that your grandson would pay for the one you ate."

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Akpor's Dream

Akpos's came to church and saw people giving testimony so he decided to share his own testimony.
pPRAISE DA LORD O,HALLELUYAH OOOOOOOOO!!!
Make una join me in thankin
& praisin God for His blessings in my life. I telluna, it's good to get fear of God & 2 b honest. Last wkend as i was goin home i see one small bag & I opened it & behold what I find na; 20,000 US$!!fear catch me at first, but i take d bag home and  wen i empty am. I find some documents, ID
cards, ATM cards and  some phone nos. 1 mind tell me to call d number and  d other told me 2 throw d docs away and use d money. I make up my mind and I call d nos & luckily d owner picked up d call.
When i tell him about d bag he tell me say he's the Owner & told me everytin dt
was inside d bag. We had
an appointment & we meet
& i handed his bag back 2
him & he give me 2000US$
from d 20,000 US$. I reject
am & left. Yesterday he
called me & offer me job
worth 100,00US a year with
the UN, a 4 bedroom fully
furnished & air-conditioned
flat & a 2011 Toyota Camry.

 As i was smiling & testin d
car i wake up from my
sleep. Nonsense dream!

Akpors' First day in a new Secondary School.

Akpors' First day in a new Secondary School.

Teacher: There will be an elementary science test next week. Contrary to his nature, Akpors reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.

Question 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its' common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Akpors storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.

'Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!'

Teacher: What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name?

Akpors raises his trouser and points to his leg: 'Oya u too, look my leg na, tell me my name, my surname, where I dey live, which tribe I come from

Akpos, Musa and Rukewe were lost in a forest and captured by cannibals.

The king of d cannibals told them they had a chance to live if only they could pass a test.

The 1st step was to go deep into d forest n get 10 pieces of d same kind of fruits.

The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.

Rukewe came back n said to d king, 

"I brought 10 apples", d king explained d trial to him, ...you have to snif the fruits up into your butt without any expression on your face or you will be killed.

The 1st apple went in, but on d 2nd one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
Akpos the smart guy arrived n showed d king ten (10) berries.

When d king explained d trial to him, he thought to himself that this
should be easy, 1,2,3,4 ,5,6,7,8 and on d ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.

Rukewe n Akpos met in heaven. The rukewe asked, "why did you laugh?", you almost got away with d trial", Akpos replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the Oga Musa coming with WATER MELON.

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DOCTOR AND AKPORS

A Doctor came to akpo's school to give a lecture on SMOKING.

 Doctor: you shouldn't smoke ,
smoking kills you slowly.
the doctor kept emphasising on the word "smoking kills you slowly"

 Akpos from th middle of the crowd got angry and

shouted:who tell u say we wan die in a hurry
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MINIMUM and MAXIMUM!

Lecturer: What will you call your Mother's younger and elder sister, if you call your mother
MUM?

AKPOS Replied: MINIMUM and MAXIMUM!

AKPORS AND HIS TEACHER

Teacher: Whoever answer my next question correctly can go home.

Upon hearing this, Akpos threw his bag outside through the window.

Teacher: Who threw the bag?

Akpos: Me, can I go home now?